Feeling like the spark you once felt for your husband is dwindling? Rekindle your sex life and you will jump-start your marriage.

“That toad you are married to is that prince you fell in love with and married. He is the same man; the only thing that has changed is your perception of him,” says Debbie Mandel, author of Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7-Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life. “It’s all perception. So stop nagging and complaining and do something about it.”

Mandel said that if women really look at the whole picture, they will see that it is really not their partner that is necessarily the problem; the problem could lie more in their own self-image and inability to let go. “Maybe the wife doesn’t like the way she looks, she feels fat … she doesn’t feel sexy. She isn’t happy with herself. She is hard on herself and becomes empty and hallow. She’s unhappy and she will often take it out on her husband.”

What women often miss is that there is nothing sexier to a man than a woman who truly desires him – no matter her size or shape. Mandel says to work on what you want to change in yourself, “if you feel like you don’t like your body, find some really pretty lingerie … put away your insecurities because once you get going, he will think you are the sexiest woman in the world.”

Want better sex? Set the scene. Sex doesn’t happen by accident. Before marriage, women will spend hours prepping for a date – shave their legs, put lotion and perfume on to make them smooth, and do their hair and make-up. But after they are married they get busy or tired and it is all hairy legs and sweats from then on.

To add excitement to your marriage – and to the bedroom – you have to make sex a conscious effort. Mandel says to look at your bedroom. Are the linens old and worn? Is there a lock on the door? Are there pictures of your kids? Who feels sexy on worn linen? Who can relax when the kids are running around and there is no lock on the door? “And, who wants to have sex with their kids’ pictures right there?” Mandel questions.

Change it up. Routine becomes stale so why should we be surprised that the ‘same old same old’ in the bedroom becomes unexciting. Mandel suggests doing it differently. “If you usually have sex at night, have it in the morning or in the afternoon. Change the location. If you are used to having quickies, have a long session of sex. If you are used to a long session, have a quickie.”

“Leave your husband a note that says ‘meet me upstairs and I’ll show you how much I appreciate how you did the dishes’ and when your husband meets you upstairs - have sex with him … yes, even if you don’t feel like it. After a few weeks, you’ll get back into the zone.”

“Be creative; buy a feather and explore your partner with it, buy a new toy and share your fantasies,” says Mandel. “Act them out. Women love to wear costumes. Buy a $14 wig and meet your husband somewhere. Be the other woman.”

Women need to stop seeing sex as a luxury, says Mandel. “Sex isn’t a luxury – it is a necessity. It is important to us physically, emotionally and mentally. If you don’t know what to do to make it more exciting, ask a girlfriend what she does. Your girlfriend is the best sex therapist you’ll ever find,” says Mandel. Your girlfriends have a wealth of information. Ask them what they’ve tried. Compare notes and don’t stop there.

Sex is an infinite playground of possibilities. Take the time to explore the possibilities. Get a book, search the web, watch a bit of porn ... see what interests you, what excites you ... and then bring it to the bedroom. Talk to your partner. Let your partner know what excites you. Ask your partner what excites him. Mandel says if it is the same thing – great. If not – great.

Porn is popular with men – and with many women too, though most won’t admit it, says Mandel. “Give it a try. See what you are comfortable with”. Erotic material doesn’t have to be a hardcore pornographic movie. It could be soft porn which is more about kissing and touching or even a romance novel.

And, if your husband likes porn and you don’t … Mandel says, it’s okay. Let him watch it. You don’t have to. “Tell him ‘start without me’ and wait a while before you join him.”

Women often censor their imagination. We were raised to be good girls and we channel that thought into our marriages, thinking sex is a sin or just to procreate. It isn’t. Sex is fun, it’s good for you and it takes away stress … not to mention it’s a good workout.”

Mandel says that women have a powerful sensuality about them. They just need to let go and feel free to go full speed ahead.

“It is a mindset” says Mandel. “If you go into it with the thought “I’m going to have mind-blowing sex … you will.”

Visit Debbie Mandel’s Web site at www.turnonyourinnerlight.com.