My husband and I decided long before we married and had children that we were not going to be the kind of parents who kept their heads stuck in the sand on the subject of sex. We vowed that when our “future” children hit their teens, we would talk about sex and make sure we made birth control available. Sure, it was easy to take on this attitude when we were a good 14 to 20 years from living it. Now that we have teens …not so easy. But, just because something isn’t easy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Communication is absolutely a must – even when communication is less than comfortable whether you will make birth control an option for your child or not.

Dr. Susan Kuczmarski, the Chicago-based author of The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go, says that if you are going to get your teenager to talk about sex, you have to set up the atmosphere that will allow them to. Kuczmarski says, “The topic of sex is very much on the mind of most children/teens. Don’t think they aren’t interested in talking about it. The most important thing you can do is talk.”

Kuczmarski says it is important to start laying down the foundation for good communication early, when they are still little. Do it with everything; get them used to coming to you. “It’s more important that you talk than what you talk about at this age, although topics should be simple and age appropriate,” she says. “You want your child/teen to feel comfortable coming to you to talk later, and the best way to ensure this future dialogue is to initiate it early yourself.” Let them know you welcome, are comfortable with, and like to talk about sex-related topics. Try to be non-judgmental and open to their viewpoints, especially if they are trying out some new ideas or feelings on you. Honor their emotions and be willing to work through differences.

Not everyone is comfortable about talking about sex, especially with their children. If you are one of them, Kuczmarski says to “fake it.” Comfort will come with frequency – for both you and your child. That is why it is so important to start when they are younger.

Many times parents talk at their kids, not to their kids. I’d be willing to bet that your teenaged child knows how you feel about sex. But, do you know what your child thinks about sex before marriage, birth control and AIDS prevention? Kuczmarski says these are important and appropriate questions to ask your 15-year-old. These things are on your child’s mind and takes up at least part of your child’s peer conversations. Talk about love, relationships, marriage and even passion. Tell them your point of view and then take the time to listen and discuss theirs. They might have inaccurate information that without listening, you wouldn’t know needed clarification. Make sure when you talk about your views, you express them in a non-judgmental way so they are not afraid to tell you anything.

Getting your child to open up takes patience and understanding. Kuczmarski says that teenagers are all about the three F’s – Freedom, Friends and Focusing on themselves. Use this information to your advantage. Show your teen how information (correct information) will give them freedom – freedom to make the right choices. Acknowledge the importance of their friendships and their feelings for their girlfriend or boyfriend. And whatever you do, do not underestimate their emotions or just how much their emotions navigate what they do at this age. Talk about how they feel. Ask them questions and really listen to what they are saying. Understand that this is one of the only times in their lives when they really can focus on themselves – that they should focus on themselves and explore the type of person they want to be.

I won’t lie to you, once you open the gates of communication, you may not like everything that comes through them. Sooner or later (hopefully later), you will have to deal with questions about everything from “what does gay mean” to “how old were you when you first had sex.” But at least you will know that you have made it as easy as possible for your children to come to you should they need to.